The idea for this list is due in part to a man named Shaka Brodie. Thanks to his vision, I forged this list in the fires of Mordor ready to be seen by all. If that last sentence wasn't epic enough, then you can just go back to looking at cat pictures.
Starting with the National League, here are my Bold as Hell predictions for each team, in no particular order:
THE NATIONAL LEAGUE
Atlanta Braves - Jason Heyward will go on a 34 game hitting streak, with the 34th hit being the most controversial hit, because the ball will hit a bird when it is rifled between 1st and 2nd. I'm already praying for the poor fowl.
Miami Marlins - They will begin their historic rise, becoming a playoff contender for the ages, make it to the World Series in 3 years, but will lose to the Chicago Cubs. Don't believe me?
New York Mets - Johan Santana will commune with his distant cousin Carlos to return to form in 2012. He'll throw a no-no against the Phillies. You heard it here first.
Philadelphia Phillies - Johnathan Papelbon will use the "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" TV Theme in place of his recent falling out with The Dropkick Murphys. 10 dollars says you were already singing the theme in your head before you finished this sentence.
Washington Nationals - Jayson Werth's beard will gain sentience (it will become alive) and become the new No. 7 hitter and filling in as catcher on most weekends.
Chicago Cubs - Well, this one might be the hardest to write because, like Master Yoda says, "Clouded, the future is."........So here it goes......The Cubs will win some games this year. (Insert Cubs joke here. Sorry Pasnik."
Cincinnati Reds - Brandon Phillips will lead the league in "Oh My God He's Good".
Milwaukee Brewers - Ryan Braun will repeat as NL MVP. There, I said it.
Pittsburgh Pirates - A.J. Burnett will start Opening Day, will be pitching a perfect game until Bane from "The Dark Knight Rises" blows up the field in the top of the 9th. He did it to the Steelers, he'll do it to the Pirates. Just watch.
St. Louis Cardinals - Lance Berkman "Puma" will be inducted into the Hall of Fame mid season, just because of this picture. Damn, is that not the most epic thing to live on a man's face?
Arizona Diamondbacks - Justin Upton will hit a home run that will fly out of the center field windows. and into California.
Colorado Rockies - During routine maintenance of the field, 5 more dinosaurs will be discovered underneath the stadium. They will come to life and befriend these hip young teens with attitude.
They'll also win the division. The Rockies, I mean. Not these little punks.....stupid kids and their music.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw will hit back to back in the lineup, becoming the most baffling and prolific 8 & 9 hitters in the game.
San Diego Padres - Newly acquired outfielder Carlos Quentin will get the Channel 4 Logo from Anchorman tattooed on his chest and insist on not wearing a jersey when playing. Hey, the things we do for the things we love, right? Oh, and he's gonna hit 40 homers.
That's the National League......ON TO!!!......
THE AMERICAN LEAGUE
Baltimore Orioles - Matt Wieters will defy all logic and win Rookie of the Year. He's just so good.
Boston Red Sox - They will start slow, then find their rhythm to put together an impressive record, only to collapse on the last day of the sea......what?.......THEY ALREADY DID THAT!?!?!? Ha Ha, real funny guys, next thing you'll tell me is 4 minutes after that the Rays beat the Yankees to go to the pla.....that happened too?........I'm just.....I don't even know what to say........a whole wheel of cheese? That's amazing!.....What was I talking about? Oh, well, I guess the Sox will do okay, that A-Gon guy is cool.
New York Yankees - You may have a bajillion dollars, you'll probably have a good season, but we have this guy. Listen to what he says. (I know this list was supposed to be Bold, but seriously guys, this is a no brainer.)
Tampa Bay Rays - Evan Longoria will hit 50 homers........all to the gap next to the left field foul pole. Doubles in any other ball park, homers at the Trop. What?
Toronto Blue Jays - Ricky Romero will get 25 strikeouts in a game. In that same game, Jose Bautista will hit for the cycle......twice.
Chicago White Sox - Adam Dunn will become a modern day Pedro Cerrano. Completely crazy, but clutch when it counts. Also, Alex Rios will get an unassisted Triple Play. I can't wait to see your face when it happens. I hope it looks like this:
Cleveland Indians - Asdrubal Cabrera will be #1 on Top Web Gems for 12 straight weeks.....beating "Take On Me" by A-Ha, with the current record of 11.
Detroit Tigers - Finally we get to these guys. The Tigers will have an amazing season, capped with Cabrera and Fielder sharing the MVP, Cy Young, Silver Slugger, Home Run Derby, and All Star Game MVP Honors. And Verlander will get his 3rd No-No......and then late in August, when the no one gives a crap, he'll toss his first perfect game. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT they win the World Series.
Kansas City Royals - To quote my friend Kevin, "Be nice to Bruce Chen, He's sensitive". If people are nice To Chen, Royals could do pretty well. Especially if that Ka'aihue keeps hitting dingers. So my prediction is they will play in the new Wild Card playoff. Yup, again, I said it.
Minnesota Twins - I despise this team. They were beating us up for years and did NOTHING in the postseason. Now it's the Tigers turn. Twins will be rebuilding this year because everyone will be busy tearing them down. BOOM roasted. (XO LG!)
Los Angeles Angels - Since they signed some scrubs named Pujols and Wilson, this team could be pretty good. I say they score 1,700 runs. Minimum.
Oakland Athletics - As the Moneyball rolls, so do the Athletics. I'm interested in what happens with this Cespedes kid. I heard he eats people. Can he really fly? Oh, and the Athletics will win the West.
Seattle Mariners - Ichiro will get 250 hits........before the All Star Break. And Felix will win 20. He's scary.
Texas Rangers - Yu Darvish will set the record for "Most Play on Words" when he does well and wins 15 games. Seriously, Pun writers across the world will have heart attacks. I actually hopes this happens, because Pun writers need to thin their numbers.
Houston Astros - Since they moved to the AL, I'm certain The Astros will do something. Either way, I'm right. HA!
AND THAT'S THE BELL
That was my "Bold as Hell" predictions. I like to pride myself in thinking I know what I'm talking about. If anything on this list happens, I'm instantly validated and should be announced as King of Everything.
Stay tuned, my way too early Playoff Bracket is coming. Get ready, cuz it's gonna kick your ass!
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